The Beginning from the inherent

I realized so much philosophy since I tried to touch with Chinese traditional book 《YI》, which is the oldest philosophical book, so did I read some book about Marxist philosophy.
It remind me that, if I meet trouble beyond my ability, I may need to turn to my heart for help, ask about myself:if I do want to overcome this trouble? do I have to? or whether I love it.Now I know I can’t solve every problem, and the time is limited. I have to take it clear about what’s important, what’s not, what’s I sincerely thirsty for. I should not lie to my self, about that I can’t understand the classed I’m having, about that I’m totally unknown to the code, and I barely have time to learn programming language.
To be honest, I don’t like this all. Here I’m saying this because I do want to turn over the situation, the first thing is to admit it. Yeah, the code is very difficult, that’s true, and it will take large effort to understand the code deeply. Why I’d like to say that? I had always been dreamed to learn these hard subjects easily, I hope to learn it just like playing some games, that’s impossible, in fact, if you want to play some games well, it will be as difficult as learning python.
I can’t force myself to love it, but I hope I will be like this. Of course it will take a long time to achieve, I will love to be a programmer, but that won’t change the difficulties to be a programmer. That’s the most important point I have to know deeply. I can read book, copy codes even watch video lessens, but if I don’t like it, then I learnt nothing.
I’m trying to make these strange to be familiar, when I ask myself if I do want to, the answer isn’t no nor yes, but: I don’t know. I don’t understand what I’m doing for, what I’m waiting for. I used to be hard working without aim, but now I have so many aims, I even can’t decide which to learn first: C or Python.
Now I have to get the meaning of my life, get clear about why I have to mastering the programming language, why I have to get a high score about all my subject, why I have to finish my college while I don’t know how my future will be. These thought and desire come from my heart, but now I’m more confused about my heart, because at the same time, I want to have a rest and play games I wanna jerk off, I want to just give up and dissolute myself in corrupt.
I know the difference between these I need to do and these I can’t help to do, I just can’t control myself.
Now it’s obvious that I can’t let the code, the subject to be my hobby directly since I’m not that kind of people, but there must a better way for me to feel the happiness of learning the difficulties. I know myself well now, I need the power, something support me while I’m downing, maybe somebody.
Anyway, it’s not a pity for to do nothing about program. I do realize if I wish to learn something well, first make it be a part of life.

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